Relationship advice is one of the most common inquiries clients tend to make when booking an intuitive reading session. This is not surprising, since our relationships support us with the sense of belonging, connection, and security, we all need and thrive in. When something goes awry in our relationships (not only in our primary partnerships, it could be a friend or co-worker) it makes life that much more strained and stressed. It can create greater issues, as time draws on.
At all ages, in all circumstances, emotional distress in any of our relationships can cause us to lose our ability to focus, to lose our joy in life, even to develop more physical tension and pain in our bodies. Efforts to cope can range from addictive behavior, to angry outbursts, to punishing attitudes, words and deeds, to extended periods of withdrawal, or to repetitive patterns that cause us to leave one relationship, only to repeat the same cycle with a different person.
More than answering simple questions like: “should I stay or go?”; “are they cheating on me?”; “should I date this or that person?”; my work focuses on the degree of emotional resilience a person is able to hold in their present relationship(s). For, as they develop this quality, their own questions as to whether they stay or go, and who they should date, are organically answered and they are given the momentum and opportunity to take right action.
Developing emotional resilience starts at a young age, though frequently it’s given a back seat to academics and other areas of achievement, like sports or the arts. Most of us are products of a society that has given little attention to this important area of learning. We have discovered that developing it as an adult can be more challenging, than having had the attendant training of loving parents modeling such resilience.
No matter what degree of emotional resilience we currently have, there are a few things we can do to not only develop it, but to keep it in good working condition. Just as an athlete loses his skills without practice, so too can we lose our emotional resilience if we take our relationships for granted or find ourselves giving our power away in victimhood.
1. Understand the source of emotional suffering
Understand that the hallmark of any degree of emotional suffering is the feeling of total disempowerment. This feeling is so intense that the efforts to solve for it can have us doing things that are not healthy for ourselves or our relationships. Know that any conflict which leaves you feeling uncomfortable, disadvantage, wronged, rejected or abandoned, while on the verge of acting out in unhealthy ways, is really about feeling so utterly disempowered. Then you can consciously refocus your thoughts and energy into another way of solving that feeling of disempowerment, without needing to act out in ways that further destroy trust, or connections in the relationship(s). In other words, it’s usually not about what we think its about, and our ability to remember that and breathe into our true sense of value and worth in the moment, can help us simmer down and bring us to being centered once more.
2. Practice noticing triggers
Triggers are incidents that take us back to times in our lives when we were dramatically affected (and without support) in handling or processing the feelings of fear, disempowerment, anger, or any other overwhelming negative emotion. Emotional resilience means practicing to notice what these triggers are, so that we are free to develop new ways of relating to them. In these instances of trauma, we were too young to know that we are not those feelings, or the thoughts that are layered with the feelings. So, slowing things down by noticing gives us a chance to understand that we are not the sum total of those painful feelings. This knowledge creates mores space within to address them and let them surface to be exhaled, without needing to buy into any negative beliefs about ourselves, others or the world at large.
3. All suffering is temporary
Recognizing that “this too shall pass” is a requisite for anyone who wants to have lasting relationships. Holding onto any notions that it will “always” be this way or that way; that he or she will “never” change, requires us to stay in suffering and thus in a coping mode instead of a thriving mode. Acknowledging the Law of Cycles, which says change is inevitable and a part of life and the Universe, can help you develop emotional resilience.
4. Achieving emotional resilience together
Working with someone who can understand your distinct “emotional footprint”, and thereby help you in the areas where you can use more emotional resilience, can go a long way in helping you to weather relationship difficulty while allowing you to feel supported, and progress in your relationship journeys.
My intuitive work is frequently the thing that clients need, in addition to their therapist’s visits, to help them transcend their inner conflicts and relationship challenges. Having been married for 10 years, divorced for 12 and now in a steady, stable passionate relationship, and having done healing and advisement work over the last 18 years, I can say that my journeys have taken me into very deep spaces with beautiful people whose pain and stress were eased in a short time without the use of medication, or invasive procedures, through our confidential and privates sessions. It brings me joy to help people transcend their relationship difficulties while helping them to build more emotional resilience in the process. I would not be here today, if I had not conquered some of the same patterns I help my clients to outgrow. Perhaps it’s one reason why I am still doing what I am doing today, because through the doing of it, it increased and enhanced my emotional resilience, and it’s how I know that the same can happen for you.
For inquiries email [email protected] or call (805) 564-3573, to book a reading session with Lani at Paradise Found.