“The angel in the Temperance card is combining the liquid fire with the fiery water to form something new.
“By being aware of who we are and who we are not, we can consciously acquire new talents and abilities, blend the two and become something greater, the being who we wish to be…
This transformation does not happen in a wild and uncontrolled form but through self-examination and meditation and quite usually through ritual…”
I know it’s cliché, but as I approach my 50th birthday, I am the happiest I have ever been.
Not much has changed in the logistics of my life, I am not married, I am not wealthy, I do not have children of my own, I don’t own a house or land, I’m not part of an intentional community…what my younger self imagined success was going to be has yet to manifest in my life.
And at the same time I feel more connected and at peace with my body and my life, aligned with my own heart and mind and present to the world in a way I had imagined I would be if I had achieved all those things.
How is it possible to be happy without having all of the things I imagined I needed to make me happy?
Walk the Path of Temperance with Samech
“Samekh is a path of mediation, an act of balance between two extremes. Temperance speaks to us about the struggle between our ego and our higher selves.”
“ ס Samekh translates as “Trust” or “closeness.” It demonstrates the importance of trusting that no matter the impediment, it is there for a reason. This letter contains the secret of optimism and the constructive use of luck and synchronicities.”
Funnily enough, several things have happened in the past 2 years that I would never have thought I could live through and would make me very unhappy. My core family fell apart; my mother and my sister haven’t spoken since October 2017, and my mother almost died in the spring of 2018.
When I looked into her eyes in the intensive care unit and asked myself if I was ready to for her to die, I realized I might actually have to be. In the past I would never have even considered it, but life has away of preparing us for things, even when they don’t happen.
“Samekh teaches us circular thinking. It tells us to think for the good of the whole…
It is the principle that the wisdom is not contained in just one vessel, in just one person, but is distributed in all beings.”
What did die instead, was the life long dysfunctional caretaking pattern I had maintained in the relationship with my mother and sister.
As their relationship crashed and burned, I was freed up from mediation and translation, from co-dependence and enmeshment and thinking that I have any responsibility whatsoever in supporting or maintaining their relationship.
At the same time, as my sister has abandoned the care of our aging mother into my hands, I have been able to let go of any responsibility I have felt for my sister’s well being and for the first time in my life I choose to take care of myself.
It is my intention to be in a good place with myself in order to have the capacity to care for my mother as it becomes necessary. The need for that care has just recently begun, although on a fairly light end of the spectrum and mitigated by the help of her own dear friends who are in a better position to offer assistance than I have been.
I have accepted that I will likely be the sole caretaker of my mother once she becomes truly dependent. While I love my sister, and am able to see her perspective and imagine I understand some of what she is going through, I’m not quite sure what to do with the feelings of rage and grief about being left alone with this task I always assumed we would do together.
This may not be the case; there may be a different outcome, my sister may have a clear intention otherwise and a different plan, but she refuses to speak with me about it and I need to move forward regardless and trust that things are working out as they should.
I have become acutely aware that assumptions I made as a child and young adult about myself and my family have very little to do with what is happening now. And I am choosing to love and also to take care of myself first, so that I have the capacity to look at what is the next thing that is needed and to take that up with love.
And it is amazing that what appears to be happening is that I am growing up; I think I might have finally gotten my permanent “big girl panties” and they fit just fine. As I have withdrawn from the unhealthy ways in which I was “taking care” of my family of origin, I have been able to focus on taking care of myself and prepare for my responsibilities as the adult child of an elderly mother.
This is something completely different from the child who felt her very existence depended on her maintaining the emotional well being of her sister and mother.
“The letter Samekh is related to a tendency to rely on things, which can become a dependency or an addiction.
The secret of being free from the dependency lies in our decision to help ourselves – a de-cision that will lead us out of the ring of ignorance and release us from the circle of enslavement.”
~ Erez Grinbolm, The Genetic Code of the Hebrew AlphaBet
Free Yourself to Love Openly
As I have been forced to let go of my own dysfunctional habits, it is beautiful thing to witness my mother’s willingness to take responsibility for herself in ways she hadn’t been aware of her own self abandonment and to see that in the mirror of myself.
This simultaneous journey wherein I release responsibility for things that were never mine to begin with while she takes up her journey in a way I have yearned for her to do since I was a young child. And I am only just now recognizing that yearning for what it is.
I was always a strong willed child, I successfully wished myself tall when I was 10 years old and have been creating order out of the emotional chaos of my home life since I could walk and talk. Growing up in chaos, without a regular father figure,
I just automatically took up “responsibility” for things it appeared to me that no one else was taking care of. Letting go of that has been my emotional Olympics and it has changed my life. Who knew I didn’t need to take care of everything and everyone in my general vicinity?
“In Hindu myths the rainbow, is the bow of Indra, the god of thunder, lightning and storms (associated with Jupiter, ruler of Sagittarius),
while in Greek mythology it is the path created by the goddess Iris, who is the angel depicted in the card, in order to connect Heaven and Earth. ”
~ Franco Santoro
“In the rainbow, Fire and Water combine with Air to form an arch which joins Heaven and Earth: thus, a circle is completed and the four elements – the alchemical Mothers – are held temporarily in a balance which contains all potential for new life…
The Rainbow Goddess, Iris, Heavenly messenger of both Zeus and Juno…brings all four elements together and, at the same time, her body, her arms, the cups and the water, make a continuous circle which, like the Uroborus of Nature, contains All and Nothing…”
Being faced with the death of my mother and the loss of my family of origin released me from the lie that I needed to take care of everyone else in order to survive. I was told something like this when I began my conscious spiritual journey in my twenties, but it literally took another 25 years to come to fruition.
In that time I managed to take that pattern with me to 3 continents and actually, at age 47, in early 2017, my own body refused to do it anymore and I was very sick. I was in so much pain I could barely move and had to ask my boyfriend to put gas in my car and open all containers. My healing journey was catalyzed by the “betrayal” of my body. But was it a betrayal or was it a waking up to something I came here to do?
“Although the shining sun and the radiance of the angel provide abundant luminosity, Temperance is definitely a tarot card of the underworld and, given its association with Sagittarius’ last stage of autumn, represents indeed the climax of darkness.”
~ Franco Santoro
My whole life I yearned for marriage and children, to be a part of something beyond my own little life, to have something “real” to dedicate my life to. In search of that surrender, I gave myself up into worthy causes that supported children and the world, but because I did not have a husband or children, a “family of my own” I could not imagine being happy. And I refused to believe anyone who said those things I wanted might not come until much later.
I believed, unconsciously, that there must be something wrong or bad about me that no one wanted to marry me and I spent my life working to fix that: trainings in counseling, energy work, body work, intuitive healing, education on human development, relationships and psychology.
And still I did not find my husband, the one I almost found wanted to be married, yes, but as it turned out he didn’t even really see or know me or truly want to marry “me,” he just didn’t want to be alone either. But that wasn’t enough for me; I wanted more that just not being alone, I wanted, and still do want a conscious relationship.
“The Sagittarius energy hungers for the freedom to search out truth. It is an enthusiastic fiery energy that takes risks in its desire to do more, know more and understand more…”
What I’ve come to realize is that until I truly learned to accept myself, all of myself, I wasn’t able to love myself. And those shadow parts only came to light as my own body fell apart and then my family of origin fell apart and I could not hold it together anymore for anyone, not even myself. I had to trust the universe, who, of course always comes through for me.
“Temperance or Art is the card of Balancing Transformation…
What the Alchemists’ true goal was to change the lead of coarse matter into the gold of spiritual awareness.
This was done by blending and combining the opposite elements within one’s being.”
The healing journey I have been on for the past few years has been powerful and intense and have had to let go of everything I thought I was and knew I was supposed to do and be. My hands will still not make a fist, my middle fingers refuse to bend and when I try to make a fist I am actually flipping a bird.
I had no idea how angry I’ve been about taking care of everyone else but me, but my body sure knows it. And learning a new way of going about life, by taking exquisite care of myself, trusting myself, standing up for and loving myself in all of my imperfections continues to be a powerful journey.
It’s a fascinating thing, perspective. As I stand by my own river Styx, consciously pouring my spiritual energies into my physical body (thank goddess for all those earlier trainings) things seem to be coming together; one journey seems to be beginning as the other comes to an end…I have come full circle into myself.
…the image of the bow is of great importance. It is the hunter’s bow of the Moon Goddess, Diana; the starry bow of the Archer, Sagittarius, whose astrological path this is; the rainbow of the goddess Iris; and the rainbow of colors which mark the completion of an alchemical transmutation …
In Alchemy, in the Bible and in ancient myths of the Great Deluge, the end of death and chaos is marked by the appearance of a rainbow which signifies both a new beginning and the imminence of the Divine in our material world.
And now, I appear to be rejoicing in my life, so incredibly grateful for this body and this life and so in love with it all. I just recently looked at my astrological chart and saw, for the first time, an aspect that indicates marriage in later life, after I have learned who I am have learned to love and honor myself and my journey.
This aspect has allowed me to consciously reframe my earlier life. I am relieved to understand that I was not broken or bad or sick or wrong, there is nothing “wrong” with me, I simply was not meant to partner with another person before I came into conscious partnership with myself. This has been the guiding factor in this lifetime.
I was divinely protected in my early life from giving myself away in marriage or motherhood, both incredible and powerful endeavors in their own rights and things I wanted so badly, in order to do something different this lifetime.
And in the meantime I have taken a journey of incredible self-reflection, and growth and been able to learn a great deal about myself and the world and the how to walk a spiritual path. I’m so grateful and so excited to find out what’s next!
Happy Thanksgiving! Please come by on December 1st and December 28th to see what healing is in your cards.
“I am so blessed
I am so grateful
For all that I am,
I am so blessed
I am so grateful
I am so grateful
For all that I am!”
~ Adapted by myself from a healing song by Dr. Gwendolyn McClure, Vocal Sound Healing
Transformative Tarot Card Readings
Kristine’s readings are interactive. Together we will enter into a conversation, ignited by the cards that show up for your questions, and empowered with her (and your) intuition, insight and guidance about what they bring up for you; the past, present, and future. The more you are willing to go deeply into your own process and share what the images and archetypes elicit in you, the better the conversation and the results will be…View Profile